chesterpest's definitions

special dispensation

When you are allowed out with the lads for a 'heavy lashing' due to exceptional circumstances which can't be refused (eg Wetting the babies head, Stag Do etc). Also commonly referred to as a '24 hour pass'.

'But love, its Barry's stag do, I can't not go - you've got to give me special dispensation!!', 'hmmmmm, this is the seventh stag do that Barry's had in 3 months' murmured Tracy suspiciously.

by chesterpest January 22, 2010

two shakes of a chimps cock

To be there in a minute. The full version of 'there in two shakes'.

'I'll be there in two shakes of a chimps cock Vera', shouted Mavis before grabbing her coat, rushing to the front door and setting off for a good night at the bingo.

by chesterpest January 22, 2010

frankenstool

A lumpy deformed turd making its appearance after a gruelling period of constipation and often consisting of several layered and compacted hard mini turds.

'That laxative certainly did the trick' exclaimed paul, 'but I appear to have given birth to an enormous frankenstool in the process'!

by chesterpest January 17, 2010

Valentine's Day Massacre

The scam whereby Restaurants/Florists/Chocolatiers cash in on Valentine's Day by trebling the price of their products safe in the knowledge that the male suitor is effectively held to ransom with no other options open to them.

"You may as well wear a feckin mask, this is just a bloody Valentine's Day Massacre" screamed Tom to the restaurant manager whilst his paramour paid a trip to the toilet.

by chesterpest January 22, 2010

Frodo's Ring

A friend who has a tendancy to 'do a disappearing act' at inopportune moments.

"Oh surprise, surprise, Terry has fucking donned 'Frodo's Ring' again just when it's his turn to get the next round in."

"Then, just as about 20 of them came around the corner with baseball bats Terry whipped out Frodo's Ring again - the fucking cunt".

by chesterpest January 17, 2010

scudmail

A smutty round robin email (usually slideshows of womens genitalia made to look like kebabs or turkeys), which successfully evade the attentions of the office IT police.

Geoffs latest scudmail was a powerpoint slideshow of really drunk tramps who had apparently shit themselves - it went down a storm in with the accounts boys.

by chesterpest January 22, 2010

talking to the captain

felating a woman's clitoris. Term derived from the slang for a womans clitoris 'The man in a boat'.

'Right then Barry' declared sharon 'first things first, I want to see you talking to the captain before you stick that cock up me - its not all about you!!'

by chesterpest January 22, 2010