Fearman's definitions

frigophilia

The urge to revisit a refrigerator every twenty seconds in the hope that something more appetising will somehow have materialised there in the meantime.

I'm getting frigophilia. I'm hungry, but not that hungry. Basically I'm bored.

by Fearman March 4, 2008

Simpson Rebuttal

An answer to the argument in favour of belief in God formulated in Pascal's Wager, formulated in turn by that great philosopher, Homer J. Simpson. Essentially, the God we are asked to believe in on the strength of Pascal's Wager, presumably the Judeo-Christian Jahweh, is merely one of thousands if not millions to have been worshipped throughout human history. Assuming the mere numbers of the faithful are an unreliable guide to the veracity of this god's existence (and no serious scholar of human beliefs would argue otherwise), then how do we know we've got the right god?

Simpson Rebuttal:

"But Marge! What if it's the wrong god? We'd only be making him angrier and angrier every Sunday!"

by Fearman February 23, 2008

Chthulhu

Vast entity seeking to re-enter the stream of terrestrial time-space, as revealed in the visionary works of H. P. Lovecraft. Gibbous, vast, eldritch, gibbering, and infinitely rebulbulous in his extra-terrestrial physics and non-Euclidean geometry. His feelers extend to all the best dinner parties where the unsuspecting taste him in the wine, rip off their clothes and expose the darkest secrets of their splenetic nightmares. The best friend of necrotic occultists everywhere. His friends all call him "Percy". Will sign copies of the Necronomicon for free, with heart-felt dedications ... if you dare look him in his extra-cosmic face.

Chthulhu ... the master of ectopic time.

by Fearman August 31, 2007

sloe gin

Alcoholic beverage made by flavouring gin with the juices of sloes, the fruit of the blackthorn bush. The berries are picked traditionally in October to November, although global warming is edging this back into September. The best stuff is a deep shadowy red and tastes like a mixture of woodsmoke, sugar, fire, and something more sublime again. If you want the genuine article, make it yourself.

Good homemade sloe gin is the nectar of the gods.

by Fearman January 6, 2008

Charlton Heston

The gentleman who appeared in the original Planet of the Apes movie, and recently handed in his firearms.

Ain't nobody shot the ducky like Charlton Heston.

by Fearman April 10, 2008

Roger Moore

In the Bond franchise, the equivalent of one of those Chinese dinners. You'll want to watch his movies again and again ... and ten minutes after the end credits, you'll wonder why. How he managed to swing a record seven Bond movies is one of the universe's most arcane mysteries. The only Bond actor who could have made Richard Kiel's "Jaws" look good. Christopher Walken gave him one wrinkle too many in his last Bond outing, and Moore was mercifully retired.
On the plus side, he won quadruple gold in the 1952 Olympic Games ... in that sadly forgotten event, the eyebrow-raise.

Good evening, darling. The name's Moore. Roger Moore. I hear you throw pots. (Looks down lewdly and VERY obviously, glimpse of his pearly teeth, eyebrows raised). Ah, yes, and you have two gorgeous jugs as well. Shall we dine at the Ritz, my dear?

by Fearman August 4, 2007

Tom Cruise

I'm in love (yippee!!!) and I hate psychiatrists (fucking nut jobs, all of them, ALL OF THEM), who are out to control the world (trembles for a few moments) and drop hydrogen bombs on everybody (BIG ones, yeahhh). Hey, have you seen my girlfriend? (BOINNNGGG!!) I'm wild! You're cool, too! (Pulls hair out, laughs.) No, seriously? Oh. (Grows sullen.) Oh. (Grows REALLY sullen.) Oh. Why would you want to do that to me? No, seriously, why would you want to do that to me? Why? Why? Why would you want to do that to me? (Jumps up on couch, pulls dramatic stance, couch falls backward, he crawls up to kneel on the front of the seat.) They've hated me ever since I played a veteran of the Great Galactic War between the Thetans and the Engrammatised Ones. (Goes boggle-eyed, cackles, shrieks ...,) We're all going to be bigger than Oprah! (YAY!) And it makes me sick, you know that? Why isn't everyone looking at me RIGHT NOW? And you know what? I'm NOT GAY!!! Mimi! Ha! Nicole! Ha! Penelope! Ha! Katie, aww, KATIIEEE!!! Ha-haaaaaaaaaaaa! Here, I can lick my own balls, seriously. Just watch me ... (Licks own balls, audience stampede out of the auditorium.)

The above was a party political broadcast on behalf of Tom Cruise.

by Fearman April 16, 2008