Fearman's definitions

jenga

Game played using wooden blocks three times as long as they are wide. The blocks are stacked in a square tower with three side by side in each floor, aligned at right angles to those above and below. The players take it in turns to remove one block per turn from the tower. The loser is the one who makes the tower topple.

I love playing jenga. Especially the satisfying crash when it all comes down.

by Fearman April 11, 2008

Xena

1. Drop-dead gorgeous babe who turned from the ways of evil to become a warrior princess in ancient Greece (televised version), and fought off various sneaky types and CG divinities. Played by Lucy Lawless, who is almost as gorgeous. Fought with a ring-shaped discus weapon and her own considerable wits. Had a girlfriend, Gabrielle, played by Renee O'Connor. You became Xena's lover with the skill of a champion and the luck of the gods, and if you messed her about she'd slice your head off and feed it to the Minotaur.

2. 1500-mile diameter dwarf planet orbiting the Sun at 38 to 98 times Earth's distance every 557 Earth years, accompanied by at least one moon called Gabrielle in honour of the undying couple of the TV series. So named unofficially on their discovery; these objects have since been renamed Eris and Dysnomia, after a Greek goddess and her daughter demon of lawlessness, indicating that the International Astronomical Union has at best a subtle sense of humour.

1. If Xena comes to kill you, consider yourself honoured.

2. It's colder than a polar bear's ass on Xena.

by Fearman May 24, 2008

sometimes you eat the bear

Sometimes you eat the bear ... and sometimes the bear eats you. Expression describing the bipolar nature of life, the universe and everything, popularised among other places in the movie The Big Lebowski and fifty percent proven, at any rate, by the life of Timothy Treadwell.

Well, dude, sometimes you eat the bear, sometimes the bear eats you. But why d'ya have to use so many cuss words along they way?

by Fearman April 1, 2008

quoking

Vaginal smoking, as demonstrated on at least one Internet video sequence with that gorgeous woman who says "and you don't cough, and it doesn't get your teeth yellow!" If you possess a vagina you stick the cool end of the lit cigar or cigarette in and use rhythmic contractions of the vaginal or perineal muscles to suck in and expel air. Try not to burn your pubes. To anyone halfway intelligent, whatever sex appeal there may be in the practice is entirely a matter of the organ used. Not recommended if you have a non-smoking partner who fancies going down on you. Probably not much healthier than the more familiar method. A contraction of "quim" and "smoking". Verb, to quoke.

Quoking looks interesting if you have a high gross-out threshold, no interest in the quoker's health, and it still has novelty value. Otherwise, forget about it.

by Fearman February 1, 2008

duttyology

Branch of the sciences with which everyone is of course familiar and which already has coffee-table books devoted to it, but which has yet to be satisfactorily defined. It is therefore incredibly easy to award yourself a doctorate in duttyology. In a postmodern world in particular, duttyologists can multiply like rabbits.

As soon as I had even heard of the word, I had instantly awarded myself an advanced doctorate with honours in duttyology.

by Fearman November 19, 2007

Uranus

1. Third largest planet in the solar system by diameter and least massive of the gas giants. Discovered by Sir William Herschel in 1781. A naked eye object in good conditions if you know where and what to look for. Higher proportions of water ice, methane and ammonia in the atmospheres of Uranus and Neptune have led astronomers to class these worlds in a separate category known as the ice giants. Knocked on its side by an early impact to its current 98-degree axial tilt, Uranus rolls almost like a ball along its orbit, with first one hemisphere and then the other experiencing daylight. Uranus is known for a system of dark rings of carbonaceous material. Orbits the sun at 1.787 billion miles mean distance, or approaching twenty times Earth's distance, from the Sun. Wins the booby prize for the least photogenic planet in the system, appearing a more or less featureless cyan globe, though this may change at the equinoxes every 42 Earth years. Visited by Voyager 2 in 1986. At last count, 27 moons.

2. Romanised form of the Greek god's name Ouranos, god of the heavens.

3. No scatological jokes, please.

If you know what part of the night sky to look at, you can see the planet Uranus if you squint.

Uranus, god of the heavens.

by Fearman May 12, 2008

Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion

Actually written before the Revolution, by the Okhrana or secret police of the old Tsarist regime, round about the year 1900. Popularised by the later Communist leadership, the Nazis and others. Up there with the environmentalist "Chief Seattle" speech, the volley of excuses for the 2003 war in Iraq, Piltdown Man and the Donation of Constantine as one of the great fakes of history.

If you are suffering from insomnia, might I recommend you read this copy of the Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion?

by Fearman July 14, 2007