3 definitions by larsrahmstadt
The excruciatingly delicate and emotionally wrenching circuitous process that a disenchanted heterosexual woman experiences due to the severe pathology inherent in all male relationships that drives her to the lesbian door (and we all know which door I mean?!) The "made" lesbian, once fully transitioned (it's an acquired taste) does not take on the physical characteristics of her alleged counterparts (better known as "the tribe"...need I go on...), but retains all of the charm, wit, social grace and elegance that is known as "woman". There are no weekly trips to Home Depot to buy "hardware", no plaid flannel accessories in the closet, nor is there the adoption of the "mullet", the "modified mullet" or anything that resembles a hair helmet with wings. The "made" lesbian knows that Manolo's and Jimmy Choo's are fine footwear, not basketball players, because we own several pair. No Tims/Nike wearin', Subaru drivin', divin' womyn here! We are devotees of fine dining, literature and anything culturally enriching. No, don't take us to "Funkytown" because we've already been there! We don't do the "Electric Slide" and we will NEVER be on the "Double Dutch Bus"!!! Why, you ask? Because we are generally pleasing to the eyes and the general public does not go out of their way to avoid us on the common sidewalk, either due to appearance or girth. The "made" lesbian is a furtive creature baffling detection by even the most trained eye. Her needs are simple, merely someone of the "remaining sex" to lavish undying respect, affection, fidelity and emotional warmth upon her (pedestalization is okay too!) without forgetting that penetration is a stated requirement
As Dorothy rose from the dank bed in the seedy interstate motel, reeking of liquid testosterone, she glanced at Married Ted, her noontime tryst and was drawn hypnotically to the sand depot on the interstate. "If only I had become a "made" lesbian, she mused...
by larsrahmstadt March 13, 2008
Although taught traditionally in all good homes (through gesturing, whispering, references to select alphabetic characters, use of acronyms and extreme parental violence) that this word is never to be uttered in polite society, this term is long overdue for a definitional makeover by sheer virtue of its empowerment factor. In the past, this term was utilized by truckers, sanitation workers, bartenders, plumbers (of course...) and others of low birth and social status (all of whom are male...well, occasionally the spurned lesbian...oh, cmon' ladies, I'm a sister too!!! You know it's true!) to refer to a justifiably sexually reluctant woman by analogizing her in a derogatory fashion to that part of a woman's anatomy they would like to call home on a daily basis (never mind that they have been permanently denied access, due to bad behavior, unattractiveness AND/or poor personal hygiene.) Therefore, due to its relegation to usage hell, this term merits resurrection. Why it is that when "dick" is used to refer to a man, it is met by snickers, the usual nods and general apathy, but when "cunt" is is used to refer to a woman, it is always followed by the startle response?! When a man has "balls" he is applauded, but when a woman is a "cunt", she is reviled. I fail to recognize why it is that a spongy, occasionally blood-filled (can you say Viagra?) vestigial organ and a glandular sac engenders more respect and dignity than the sacred passageway of life. You figure it out?! Does the user realize that the utterance of this word impugns the very vessel from whence life sprung forth from their mother's womb? No, I think not! And why, you ask? Because the user is small...very, very small...in the literal, figurative and metaphorical sense of the word. And for this very reason, this term merits the following definition..are you ready? A STRONG, CONFIDENT, EMPOWERED WOMAN WHO TAKES BULLSHIT FROM NO FUCKING MAN...AND I MEAN NO MAN!!!
As Dorothy pedaled past the stately arches of the Chestnut Street Bridge on her Pepto pink-colored Schwinn, she was brutely and viciously knocked to the ground by a masked male marauder. As she strugged to her dainty feet and threw the bike atop her attacker, she stomped it into his nuts, and shouted proudly, "Don't mess with this cunt, you punk-ass bitch!!!"
by larsrahmstadt March 18, 2008
An oft maligned term used to describe the deliciously complicated, emotionally rich relationship (albeit platonic...well sometimes...see "fag hag shag") that exists between a gay man and a heterosexual woman (occasionally a "made lesbian". Let's not forget the "made lesbians"! It took a long painful journey for us to arrive at this final destination, so let's savor the vicarious shout out in this definition.) The fag hag relationship is so synergistic and perfect that it should serve as the utopian model for all heterosexual relationships. Ideal characteristics include but are not limited to: unconditional love and understanding, unflinching honesty, and let's not forget fidelity and abject loyalty (oops, the chip that is missing in all heterosexual males.) One never has to worry about a gay man "cheating" on his fag hag. To the contrary, the fag hag is the emotional complement to a gay man's psyche (aside from a gay man's mother-either dead or alive.) Benefits include: tutorials in haute couture, interior decorating and party-planning as well as personal tips on beauty and grooming (every woman could use a personal stylist now and then!) While the pitfalls are few, the fag hag must invest a great deal of time and energy digesting the personal (sometimes all too personal!?) details of her gay man's sex life, whilst not possessing a fulfilling and enriching sex life of her own, or one at all! But it's all worth the time and effort expended as the rewards are great in nature and kind-an enduring partnership that is rooted in mutual respect and love (and let's not forget-it's NON-JUDGMENTAL.)
"As Dorothy, John's fag hag, gently caressed his sweaty brow as he lie quietly whimpering in the ER after a left testicle manual detorsion, she sweetly whispered in his ear, "I told you to lay off the Lazy Susan."
by larsrahmstadt March 10, 2008