honneamise's definitions

JSM

JSM or Job Security Measure is used by IT professionals everywhere to ensure they don't become irrelevant. It was made famous by a particular IT professional in the late 80s when he foresaw the coming Cloud and realised the only way forward was to become extremely relevant. His resulting piece of work, JSM for People Who Haven't Got A. Clue, is the defining document on how to avoid becoming irrelevant. Many IT professionals the world over, with no time to waste investing in training and certification have often found this book on JSM to be the way out of being intelligent

That was a terrific JSM you deployed on the network, very smart.
My boss used a JSM to shore up the next three years of his career, very impressive work
Every time I hear someone has used a JSM, I want to find them, dunk them in a vat of oil, torch them till there is nothing left, then feed there JSM fuelled remains to a flock of seagulls high on acid

by honneamise March 9, 2020

nerdocalypse

The Nerdocalypse is the coming Rapture like event, when nerds will randomly appear on mass and start chanting things like:
"the command line is power"
"linux rules"
The Nerdocalypse will be short lived though, as Nerds are weak and pathetic and should be put down on site. if you encounter a Nerd, kill them. Extremely. like drive over them in a tank and then turn around and blow up the remains. Fuck Nerds.

the Nerdocalypse is here, fucking nerds.
Nerd: When the Nerdocalypse comes, you will repent!

Normal: Fuck off Nerd.

by honneamise December 18, 2018

imds

IMDS or Internal Motion Dynamics in Security is a descriptive acronym, defined as the North-South and East-West traversal of data in a network when compromised by a hacker (someone who has smuna). Recently a large sports device manufacturer was hacked by a smuna sufferer and the hacker deployed retarded semen syndrome into the network, utilising IMDS techniques. It is clear that the person who coined the North-South and East-West paradigms, rather than the correct acronym, suffers from smuna as well and should be shot.

We have been hacked, deploy the anti IMDS beacon!
When we tested cracking our network, it turned out that IMDS techniques could be used to inject retarded semen syndrome into the network

by honneamise May 20, 2024

beta key

The beta key is the one key to rule them all. It unlocks games like Dragon Ball D. It has powers beyond the power of a normal key, like your front door key. It can cure cancer. It can get you a blow job from a nerd in a dark alley. It can solve world peace. It can also unlock the nuclear codes from the United States and wipe out all of North Korea. But it primary purpose is for hanging shit on people who havent got the beta key. Because its so incredibly awesome and unlocks games like Dragon Ball D

How come you havent got a beta key? You suck!

Ive inserted the beta key and Im letting the nukes go now Don, which site was it again?

by honneamise October 29, 2018

doing a raygun

The act of impersonating people with skills and somehow managing to get all the way to the very peak of recognition, while at no point in time showing anyone, you were actually capable of doing what you claim to be able to do. Usually in some form of niche sporting event, such as breakdancing, where the individual somehow gets to go all the way, such as the Olympics, and then, representing your country, puts in a display that resembles an epileptic mop with brain AIDS. It is important to note that this moment in their life will never be forgotten nor forgiven by the entire Internet.

He's doing a Raygun.
Did you see that chic breakdancing? She was doing a Raygun

by honneamise August 10, 2024

the certainty principle

The Certainty Principle is a cosmic force only recently discovered by a nerd with stupiditis. It is the principle of being certain. Even though you are a complete idiot and have no idea what you are doing, you are certain you are right. Many people believe they are certain, or right, when in actual fact they are just downright stupid and suffer from brain haemorrhoids. If you meet someone who suffers from the Certainty Principle, execute them onsite as they may do something stupid.

Idiot: The Certainty Principle protects me
Smart Person: Fuck you're an idiot and deserve to die
Gun shot finishes conversation

by honneamise December 20, 2018

intentional food poisoning

The process of entering a dodgy eatery and deliberately ingesting food that has clearly been contaminated by being spat on, having flies sit on the meat for extended periods of time and being left in a bain-marie for the better part of a week. It would be less painful eating rotten road kill from the center of the desert, infected with Malaria. The specific reason for doing this to yourself, and causing all this pain to oneself, is to simply get out of work. Bosses the world over hear many excuses from their employees, but intentional food poisoning, is the number one cause of "employee away on Monday again" disease. Employees suffering from this illness should be taken from their place of residence and shipped to a small island inhabited by cannibals and eaten so they understand what it feels like to give someone intentional food poisoning.

Not in again today? Intentional food poisoning again is it?
Did you hear about <insert hated workmate name here>? He gave him/herself intentional food poisoning
Intentional food poisoning is the number one cause of diabetes in fat cunts who dont want to work
If you think you have intentional food poisoning, then you should be dragged out and molested by a rabid pack of panthers on heat.

by honneamise December 2, 2018