Grant Rampus's definitions

Real estate developer

The chief strategist of a building project and general rapist of the land needed to "improve" the community. Cunningly masters the art of deception as he solicits investors and prepares bogus tax returns for financing the project.

An expert at filing for bankruptcy at the end of every business cycle, still manages to live in a huge house, while those residents he displaced still search for affordable housing.

The real estate developer paid homage to the historical neighborhood he razed by cladding his own 15,000 square foot mansion in brick.

by Grant Rampus July 7, 2016

Divorce diet

The unintended weight loss that occurs from going through a divorce. Possibly nature's way of removing 15 years of being a sloth to get you ready for dating again. Don't throw the old clothes out yet; all lost weight comes back once settled down after the rebound relationship.

Holy shit, Monica is looking hot! She must be hitting the gym after Todd left her.

Nah, she's on the divorce diet. Enjoy the view before she gets remarried.

by Grant Rampus July 28, 2016

8 9 10 Rule

Standard calling etiquette needed for morons who would otherwise call people at any hour of the day. Monday - Friday you don’t call someone before 8am, Saturday before 9am, or Sunday before 10am.

Bob was awakened by his cell phone ringing at 6:43am. It was his drunk buddy Dale returning Bob’s call from yesterday. Clearly Dale needed to enroll at phone etiquette school to understand the 8 9 10 rule.

by Grant Rampus January 28, 2023

Confubersion

The perplexed look of Uber customers on sidewalks staring at your car at a red light, trying to decide if you're their Uber driver or if it's a different blue Honda Accord they're supposed to get into.

The tourist couple approached the tan sedan at the red light and were reaching for the door handle of what they thought was their Uber driver's car. Hesitating to open the door, they were clearly struck with confubersion.

by Grant Rampus November 9, 2016

Keurig blue light special

A phenomena that occurs 2 times a day: morning and afternoon. When crawling to the coffee machine in a desperate need of caffeine, popping in the Keurig coffee pod, watching with anticipation the machine warming up, and to your horror the bright blue light pops on, thus signaling the realization the asshole who last used it didn’t refill the water container.

Joanie shuffled into the kitchen at 6am to get her much needed cup of coffee, and waited the requisite 45 seconds while the Keurig machine warmed up. Then the dreaded blue light appeared. In middle class society, Joanie was afflicted with what has become known as the Keurig blue light special.

by Grant Rampus September 7, 2019

Furniture store

The only retail establishment that starts out in bankruptcy. Within 30 days of opening, there will be a teenager standing roadside in front of the furniture store holding a sign that states they are having a “going out of business sale” and all furniture must go, prices up to 70% off.

Hey Jim, I’m heading out to look at leather couches at that new furniture store on Route 1. Is that kid out front yet holding the going out of business sale, or has it not been 30 days yet?

by Grant Rampus November 11, 2019

Hallmark holiday

Unlike the sanctity of the traditional high holidays, the Hallmark Holiday was invented by the executives of the Hallmark corporation to increase quarterly sales. Generally agreed upon to include Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and essentially any pseudo- holiday that a card can be sold for.

Jimmy panicked when he realized he hadn’t gotten a card for his dad’s special day, but then quickly relaxed when he realized it was a Hallmark holiday - Father’s Day - and the card was optional.

by Grant Rampus June 20, 2021