Grant Rampus's definitions

Wife salary

Rarely the main breadwinner in a marriage, the wife’s contribution to the household income to get a larger mortgage, fancier car, etc. Typically ranging from $30k to $45k, the wife salary also allows for smaller alimony or child support payments when the inevitable divorce happens.

When Tom met with the bank, he was able to explain why - through the wife salary - he qualified for a larger mortgage. Exact same argument when he met with the divorce attorney 2 years later, but the reverse argument in why he didn’t need to pay alimony.

by Grant Rampus September 25, 2021

Apology tour

What most celebrities and professional athletes have to embark upon after disgracing their families, co-workers, etc. for very bad personal decisions. Standouts include sleeping with the nanny or crashing your car while on a cocktail of fentanyl and cocaine. Playbook calls for an immediate retreat to a treatment center where you emerge 30 days later with a bible in hand.

This year’s #1 NFL draft pick was missing from society for 30 days, until last Tuesday when he emerged from Our Lady of Miraculous Recovery Treatment Center, bible in hand. Beginning his apology tour, he stepped up to the podium he began to thank those that helped him and was truly sorry for those he hurt during his recent car crash (high on cocaine) with the half-dressed nanny in the passenger seat.

by Grant Rampus January 28, 2023

The Wire

Best show on HBO that no one has ever watched. Main reason for streaming HBO to your Apple TV, although you still won't watch it.

"Hey Dave, I just started streaming The Wire on Apple TV. Have you watched it?"
Dave replies, "Not yet but I've been meaning to for 14 years."

by Grant Rampus July 4, 2016

Ice heat defeat

When you are self-treating a minor sprain and cannot remember if you apply ice first, then heat. Or heat than ice. Further complicated by the fact no one really knows no matter who you ask.

Jimmy applied ice to his sprained wrist then a heat pad. Then he applied the heat pad, then ice. He was covering his bases because he was trapped in the ice heat defeat.

by Grant Rampus November 25, 2019

Ex wife

Ex wife: the gold digging whore you share custody of your kids with and owns all your stuff. Primary reason you sleep on a fouton above a Seven-Eleven.

I really respect my ex wife, said no one ever.

by Grant Rampus July 5, 2016

Distance-in-law

The appropriate distance one must live from their in-laws so they can tolerate them. General rule of thumb is just far enough so they can't drop by unannounced.

When looking at new houses, Rick had to tactfully remind his new wife that the appropriate distance-in-law in that state was no less than 75 miles.

by Grant Rampus August 31, 2016

Divorried

That post-divorce phase where you're past all the bullshit of child support, new spouses, etc. and can stand your ex-spouse again.

I was surprised to see Bill actually talking to Susan in her driveway when he was picking the kids up for the weekend.

That's because Bill and Susan are divorried now.

by Grant Rampus July 24, 2016