Carl Willis's definitions

the white stuff

n. (1) Cocaine, particularly the fine powder of higher purity that is preferred for snorting by the wealthy. However, it CAN sometimes refer to crack rock in the ghetto.

(2) The mixture of partially hydrogenated, synthetic, spun fats and corn sweeteners that constitutes the standard filling in an Oreo cookie.

Her friends always knew that Courtney Love had a predilection for the white stuff.



Cop: Do you have anything on you that I need to know about?

Demetrius: Naw man, we doin' it all proper this time...NAW, whatchu wanna look in there for, man...SHIT that ain'tcho bidness man...

Cop: What's this? (pulls out a sack of crack rocks.)

Demetrius: (Sigh) That's the white stuff, just a little. I'm sorry officah. I ain't never gonna...

Cop: Looks more yellow that white. Did you cook this up, Demetrius? Be honest with me now.

Demetrius: Yessah. Mostly bakin' soda an' some chalk an' some Rat-B-Gone. I'm really sorry officah. I ain't ever gonna...

Cop: (Puts "Big D" into cruiser.) Watch your head there son.

by Carl Willis August 26, 2004

Tollbooth on the highway of education

n. Popular and well-earned nickname for the ETS (Educational Testing Service), who produces and sells the GRE and SAT assessment tests. This parasite hauls in more than $0.6 billion in student money every year from its illegal monopoly on the testing market.

Every high school and college student in the country has to throw some big cash to ETS, the tollbooth on the highway of education. If a student doesn't pay his toll, he is usually shitcanned and forced to slave away at a McJob for the rest of his life.

by Carl Willis May 21, 2004

differently abled

adj. Politically correct 1990s euphemism meaning "disabled". Contrary to what the words may suggest, "differently abled" does NOT mean "having different abilities;" more precisely it means "lacking expected abilities." Since mental disability is generally associated with much more social stigma than physical disability (and hence is ripe for being described by a "sensitive" PC vocabulary), "differently abled" is most frequently encountered in similar contexts as "special". With this in mind, persons of non-retarded status should construe the phrase as a deep insult.

What the teacher thinks: "Goddamn, that was funny! Why do they insist on mainstreaming these plainly retarded kids...they're so distracting to my class..."

What the teacher says: "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves for laughing when our differently abled peers gave their fine interpretation of Hamlet."

by Carl Willis January 18, 2005

slumming

n. The act of touring through the poor side of town to gawk and make fun of the inhabitants there, usually with a group of one's friends. Notably an activity of insecure rich white kids.

Matt: Hey Jimmie, you wanna cut out after school in my dad's Hummer and do some slumming?

Jim: Hell yeah! I love knowing that there's plenty of trash out there to keep the burgers flippin'.

by Carl Willis July 22, 2004

nukular

adj.

1. Pertaining to the atomic nukulus

2. Pertaining to a weapon typically made out of "yew-ray-nee-um," what blows up real good, an' done half near kill the whole goddamn planet!

1) Grammaw: Jimmy-Ray, what did they learn you in skiewl today?
Jimmy: We did science, Grammaw. We done learned all about the Creation, and even sumthin' about this little bitty thing called the atomic nukulus.

2) "Saddam Hussein recently sought large quantities of uranium from Africa, so he could cook him up a mess of nukular bombs for to blow up the whole Godly nation of Texas." -Dubya

by Carl Willis February 10, 2004

physics package

n. (Military jargon) The essential workings of a nuclear or thermonuclear weapon. The "physics package" is designed by scientists at a weapons lab and comprises all the nuclear reactants used in the device, such as plutonium, lithium deuteride, etc. The military then decides how to deploy it (missiles, bombs, backpacks).

Military weaponeer: "The B-66A is an advanced, bunker-busting, anti-raghead weapon that is based on the Los Alamos E-1337 physics package. The guidance system uses a special neural network code to identify and deliver the device against brown-skinned persons of the Muslim persuasion..."

Dick Cheney: (Evil grin) "We're pleased with your rapid progress. The so-called "Ramadan" starts next month!"

by Carl Willis October 17, 2004

supersize

V. To make larger, usu. in the context of a takeout order placed with a dining establishment.

Adj. Larger than expected, necessary, or appropriate.

Fast food clerk: What can I get you today?

John Q. Lardass: I'll have a triple bacon cheeseburger, supersize that please...two Biggie Fries, supersize of course, a two-liter Coke...a supersize chocolate shake....




Southwest Airlines clerk: What can I do for you?

John Q. Lardass: I need a ticket to Dallas.

Clerk: That will be one supersize ticket to Dallas, $850 please.

John Q. Lardass: What!!?

Clerk: Sir, customers must pay for all the seats they occupy. I see you are still gorging on your supersize fries, so don't try that "glandular disorder" crap with us today. Take some goddamn personal responsibility.

by Carl Willis August 4, 2004