Lancaster's Second Finest's definitions

Universal Duffrage

The right of any woman to own as many cats as she bloody wants, no matter how much her long-suffering man bitch might object.

I have to get up at 5am every day to amuse 22 loud moggies, while she stays in bed snoring. Bloody universal Duffrage.

by Lancaster's Second Finest July 17, 2015

Galdness

The highly undesirable state of being both ginger and bald. Defined as a chronic illness by the World Health Organisation, and a personality disorder by the American Psychiatric Association.

McDonaldism is a common consequence of premature Galdness.

"I'm collecting for people with Galdness. Could you please spare a few coins, or an unconvincing toupee?"

That dude has galdness. He is just a massive galdy.

by Lancaster's Second Finest June 6, 2015

Grape Shaming

The cruel and bigoted practice of mocking a fellow human being simply because they have brutal, throbbing haemorrhoids.

Having endured three decades of unremitting grape shaming from his supposed friends, Simon cautiously lifted himself from the inflatable cushion and declared for all the world “No more!” And then “Aaargh! Me Farmer Giles!”

by Lancaster's Second Finest April 23, 2024

Lisachondria

Like hypochondria, but much, much worse. The true lisachondriac not only believes they have every exotic disease on the planet, but feels compelled to share this information with even the most casual of bystanders.

Lisachondriac: “I have a headache and I feel a bit warm. I’ve checked on Google and I blatantly have Dengue fever. I’m done for.”
Person: “Er, I don’t know who you are, though I have good reason to suspect you are one of those Lisachondriacs.”

Lisachondria affects one in four million people in civil society. Sufferers are typically spotted being escorted out of medical facilities by angry-looking staff.

by Lancaster's Second Finest March 15, 2019

Telecoprolism

The statistically anomalous tendency for the telephone to ring while you are having a shit. Extensive studies have shown that the phone of any individual has, at any given time, a 500% higher chance of ringing while its owner is evacuating his/her bowels than during other common everyday tasks such as masturbation, hoovering and chimping. Some schools of thought consider telecoprolism to be a subset of the Sod's Law principle. The others don't really consider such issues to be a worthy use of academic time and resources.

I was just settling down for my morning log and got telecoprolised by the bank again. Bloody telecoprolism, eh?

by Lancaster's Second Finest August 15, 2011

Ryaned It

Poured a pint of fine British ale REALLY badly.

I was really looking forward to my pint of Tubthumper's Old Gutrot, but the barman Ryaned it, and it ended up looking like water from the swamp.

by Lancaster's Second Finest February 14, 2014

Folderlanche

A form of natural disaster restricted to the progressively more scarce environments in which words are put onto actual paper, and papers are put into actual physical folders. A folderlanche occurs when many such folders are simultaneously dislodged from the shelf or table where they had been precariously stacked, and begin a catastrophic slide that overwhelms all in their path.

Note: A folderlanche should not be confused with the similar but significantly more deadly 'binderlanche'.

Simon was chimping with a Russian Sailor when a freshly-flung turd struck a titanic stack of folders containing all of the former's Barry Manilow porn. The ensuing folderlanche left Big Ivan disfigured, and Simon ginger.

by Lancaster's Second Finest June 5, 2015