Lancaster's Second Finest's definitions

Siagra

Weapons-grade Viagra, specifically designed for Simons suffering from crippling impotence.

Having discovered Siagra, Simon was finally able to put away the lollipop stick and elastic band.

Simon: "Oh, it's not happening...I'm sorry love, it must be the drink."
Woman: "Have you considered taking Siagra?"

by Lancaster's Second Finest August 21, 2017

Sludge Cannon

A human being who, often due to an excessively chilli-heavy diet, has not produced a solid stool in years.

Simon, a notable Sludge Cannon, is barred from every public lavatory in the north of England.

"Mummy, does Uncle Simon wear plastic underwear because he's a sludge cannon?"
"No, dear, it's because he's a massive pervert."

by Lancaster's Second Finest June 12, 2016

Folderlanche

A form of natural disaster restricted to the progressively more scarce environments in which words are put onto actual paper, and papers are put into actual physical folders. A folderlanche occurs when many such folders are simultaneously dislodged from the shelf or table where they had been precariously stacked, and begin a catastrophic slide that overwhelms all in their path.

Note: A folderlanche should not be confused with the similar but significantly more deadly 'binderlanche'.

Simon was chimping with a Russian Sailor when a freshly-flung turd struck a titanic stack of folders containing all of the former's Barry Manilow porn. The ensuing folderlanche left Big Ivan disfigured, and Simon ginger.

by Lancaster's Second Finest June 5, 2015

Galdness

The highly undesirable state of being both ginger and bald. Defined as a chronic illness by the World Health Organisation, and a personality disorder by the American Psychiatric Association.

McDonaldism is a common consequence of premature Galdness.

"I'm collecting for people with Galdness. Could you please spare a few coins, or an unconvincing toupee?"

That dude has galdness. He is just a massive galdy.

by Lancaster's Second Finest June 6, 2015

Ryaned It

Poured a pint of fine British ale REALLY badly.

I was really looking forward to my pint of Tubthumper's Old Gutrot, but the barman Ryaned it, and it ended up looking like water from the swamp.

by Lancaster's Second Finest February 14, 2014

Telecoprolism

The statistically anomalous tendency for the telephone to ring while you are having a shit. Extensive studies have shown that the phone of any individual has, at any given time, a 500% higher chance of ringing while its owner is evacuating his/her bowels than during other common everyday tasks such as masturbation, hoovering and chimping. Some schools of thought consider telecoprolism to be a subset of the Sod's Law principle. The others don't really consider such issues to be a worthy use of academic time and resources.

I was just settling down for my morning log and got telecoprolised by the bank again. Bloody telecoprolism, eh?

by Lancaster's Second Finest August 15, 2011

McDonaldism

The dissonant male-specific mental state of being both (a) distressed at having gone bald, but also (b) delighted that you've gone bald because you were previously ginger. A chronic form of the classically ephemeral cognitive dissonance, McDonaldism affects around 2% of men worldwide, and 73% of men in Scotland.

See that 40 year old guy who's trying to have sexual intercourse with age-inappropriate, attached women? He's only behaving that way because he has McDonaldism.

by Lancaster's Second Finest August 15, 2011