Frank Klaune's definitions

take a shit

Aside from the relatively obvious use of the phrase (to designate defecation), "take a shit" as a phrase can apply to mechanical devices. An apparatus which wears out or breaks down at a very inconvenient time can be said to "take a shit".

"I told Frank to fix those worn lifters on his car engine but he didn't listen to me. Then when he went on vacation he was crossing the rockies when it took a shit on him. It ruined his vacation."

by Frank Klaune March 6, 2004

Tomism

General term pertaining to any of a wide number of comical vulgarities, invented insults and mismangulated obscenities and curses made famous by a certain Tom K. (last name omitted)

"Oh, you MOTHER!"
"You FUCKNOB!"
(insert name) "...has an I.Q. of a peanut butter sandwich"
"sons-of-bastages"
"Cancel Christmas forever"
"butt buddy bubba with the burlap balls"
"rump ridin' ridge runner"

by Frank Klaune November 6, 2003

shit and shove it

Humourous phrase relating to an exasperating incident. Shortly after 11 a.m. on a sultry August afternoon, Winky was riding in the back seat of the limosine as it cruised down the highway. He suggested to his driver, "It's almost noon. Find a place to stop for lunch." The driver drove on, eyeing the countryside with no rest area to be found. About 11:45, Winky said, "Okay now, find a roadside stop for lunch" and the driver continued to search as he drove on. Around 12:45, Winky now exasperatedly said, "Stop at the nearest stop. We WILL have lunch." The poor driver still didn't see a roadside stop, so when they drove through a small town, Winky excoriated his driver mercilessly saying, "I told you already to find a place to stop for lunch, damnit." The hapless driver shot back, "I've been looking and looking but honest... there hasn't been any rest areas!' At this, Winky angrily ordered the driver to pull into the little city square they were approaching. There, at theat unlikely location they all had a very late lunch. They then loaded the cooler back into the limosine and proceeded out of the little Nowheres-Ville in which they had their impromptu lunch. About a mile out of the town, they finally happened upon a roadside stop. After hours of hapless travelling without respite, the poor driver announced to Winky, "Hey, there's a roadside stop." Upon seeing the sign on the side of the road, Winky shot back, "OH SHIT AND SHOVE IT!"

Frank first had a check engine light. Then he got a brake light. Then an alternator light and an oli light. When the seat belt light went on, he got out, put a brick on the gas pedal, reached through the window and dropped the lever into "Drive". As the car squealed off the cliff, he yelled after it, "SHIT AND SHOVE IT".

by Frank Klaune April 17, 2005

soften the meat

Phrase used to describe a police officer's application of the baton upside the head of some stupid bastard who deserves it.

Frank was watching "COPS" last night when we were over. We watched some dudes who stole some poor lady's car and went on a high speed chase all over town. They rammed several cop cars then totalled the stolen car on an embankment. Damn, it was good to see the officers soften the meat on the driver!

by Frank Klaune May 1, 2005

shaken not stirred

Phrase used to diffrentiate between the act of shaking of the schlong (after urination) as compared to the act of masturbation. The phrase is best illustrated in the military when a drill sergeant barks at a recruit (who is urinating), "more than than three shakes is pleasure and that's not what you're here for.' The original phrase "shaken not stirred" has an obvious root in the James Bond movies, but also serves a different context. In this sense it is often used in contempt.

We were in a hurry, but Frank had to piss first. Damn, but he took forever in the mens room. Mike was getting pissed off and joked that maybe he was beating off. I finally stuck my head in the door and yelled, "LET'S GO! SHAKEN, NOT STIRRED!"

by Frank Klaune May 1, 2005

blat

1) Anoter one of many terms designating a type of fart. The "blat" is designated by an explosive blast of rectal gas. While the sound is ferocious, the smell is usually deadly. However the duration (of both the blat and the people standing around the blat-ter) is very brief (pun intended).

2) The type of fart typically associated with "Ocky" and "Clutcher" in the less-well-known comic series of the same name.

3) Designating one of the the two most obnoxious sounds of the tuba. In this context, the term is often spelled "blatt" and associated with "the other" obnoxious sound of the tuba, the "woop". Often the two sounds are grouped together (e.g. "blatting and wooping").

1) We were playing cards when all at once... BLAT! Grodie let one go, and the game was immediately called off.

2) BLAT!

3) Tubas... we're going to try that again. This time without the blatting and wooping.

by Frank Klaune November 21, 2004

longshot

Contest similar to "silly swords" or "pissing contest" where two (or more) males stand behind a straight line and urinate as hard as they can. The winner of "longshot" is the one who is able to piss the farthest.

"Mike and Frank were in the back yard playing longshot. Mike won, but I think he shit his pants straining."

by Frank Klaune March 6, 2004