Jamie Douglas's definitions

elephant golf

Golfing game. When a man fails to drive the ladies tee-box it is customary to force him to turn his trouser/shorts pockets inside out, unzip his fly, and walk the length of the hole with his johnson out, thus making an elephants image around his crotch.

Cruel variations of this game include consuming a quiagh (a small silver tureen used to formally serve whiskey at gatherings) of whiskey before every new hole when playing in a fourball. The first 3 players (determined by the lowest score at the previous hole) can sip as much or as little as they like, but the fourth player must finish what is left. This normally results in at least one player getting totally mashed and spaffing their drives only a handful of yards.

"Ooops, failed to make the ladies tee again, you know what that means - elephant golf!"

"Let's hit the golf course with a bottle of dram for some elephant golf"

"OK, rules for todays golf competition. No ladies on the course, and elephant golf to be played at all times."

by Jamie Douglas September 8, 2006

sportsgasm

A period of time when the sheer volume and quality of live sport induces a feeling not dissimilar to an orgasm in you.

It usually involves a lot of beer.

OMG - the Premiership and Championship football is reaching it's climax, there's Champions League footie, the Hong Kong Sevens rugby is on, we're in the middle of the cricket world cup, we're close to the world championship snooker, the Masters golf at Augusta is next weekend with F1 motor racing and the tennis summer season is about to kick in - it's a sportsgasm!

A weekend with more than 3 different types of live sport to watch can be called a sportsgasm.

by Jamie Douglas April 8, 2007

weather

Weather is the thing that makes blighty so unbearable. In blighty weather is terrible all the time, so much so that many people choose to move abroad or simply jump into the ocean and try to swim to another country. The general weather pattern acorss the United Kingdom is rain, rain, rain. Then a cold front. Then rain, rain, rain. Then freezing winds and snow. Then rain, rain, rain. The Roman Emperor Caeser once abandoned his quest to rule Britain because of the weather, and during the second world war the Luftwaffe were defeated in the Battle of Britain because the steel that made their aeroplanes rusted within minutes of coming into contact with British weather.

Tim: "How's the weather?"
Jerry: "You know, sunny!"

by Jamie Douglas September 1, 2006

varnished monkey

Someones who's really vain and makes an unecessary effort with their appearance e.g. a well oiled, beautifully bronzed sunbather at a tourist resort, or a cool kid with too much gel in their hair. The phrase was first used in german (lackierter Affe), and is a lovely description of that loathsome type of person.

Arnie: "Check out my beautifully oiled biceps"
Sally: "Wow! You're a real varnished monkey!"

by Jamie Douglas September 6, 2006

pannces

Alternate spelling of the word pants amongst the literati.

C'mon Jeeves, let's go down the public lavatories and writes cursewords on the wall like "pannces"

by Jamie Douglas December 7, 2006

military golf

Means you're going: Left, Right, Left, Right, Left, Right ...

Another excellent golfing put down.

"Into the trees again boyo, I didn't realise we were playing military golf"

by Jamie Douglas September 8, 2006

battery powered

Something that can give immense pleasure until the batteries are dead.

Women should never insert something battery powered into their bearded clam in case the battery leaks and burns them, but this doesn't stop Britians ever growing Rampant Rabbit using population.

Radio controlled cars, ipods, remote controls and vibrators are all battery powered.

by Jamie Douglas December 7, 2006