Darren Besert's definitions

Bravo Love

Two men eating opposite ends of a single Taco Bravo until they meet in the center and things get weird. (Lady and the Tramp style).

Sarah: Did you see Jack and John pounding the same Taco Bravo at lunch today?
Jayme: I did, but no worries, they’re really close. Some serious Bravo Love going on there.

by Darren Besert August 28, 2014

The Calendar Option

A technique of temporarily “saving face” with colleagues, bosses, customers, and auditors by changing every calendar and clock in a particular workplace in an effort to cover up a missed deadline. “The Calendar Option” is the “Nuclear Option” of work place fault misdirection. “The Calendar Option” should only be used when the monumental task of changing dozens of calendars, clocks, and watches pales in comparison to actually completing ones assigned task on time. Hacking of local computer and cellular networks is usually preferred, as these sources represent the primary ways of determining dates and times. “The Calendar Option” will buy you enough time to prepare a resume, write a cover page, and apply for other jobs in the timespan prior to your superiors realizing you’ve elegantly gamed them to death. Worried about future employment? Don’t! One who can successfully employ “The Calendar Option” is often far under-employed anyway. This fact is clearly demonstrated as the time, energy, intelligence and sheer skill required to pull off the maneuver could be accomplished by no less than an American, tier 1, Special Forces operator who is also a Ninja.

Are you late? Can’t blame a colleague? Can’t blame your computer? Can’t blame the weather? Don’t even bother! Just employ “The Calendar Option” and you won’t need to blame a thing because the calendar and clocks say “you’re not late!”

late nuclear option option ninja bad employee blame

by Darren Besert January 21, 2016

Trolling and Vino

The perfect hump day combination for provocateurs and pranksters. No Wednesday night is complete without the needless, drunken, badgering of one’s adversaries via social media.

Betsy: What are we doing tonight, honey? She’s asks….already knowing the answer
Darren: “It’s Wednesday.” Spoken with a sarcastic tone and a hint of disbelief
Betsy: “and….” Her eye’s roll
Darren: “A little Trolling and Vino”
Besty “Aren’t you getting a little old for this kind of behavior?”
Darren sip. click, click, click, click… #GrotesqueMonsterWife badgering me again. Mean meme forthcoming. #DarrenBesertMemeMachine #BestedByBesert #MonetizeTheMemes

by Darren Besert March 20, 2017

Pulling a Sound of Music

Gallivanting with exuberance through a valley, over a hill, across a field, or into a sunset. Usually performed until physical exhaustion resulting in collapse.

Internal Monologue- “I need to be writing, but my writers block makes me wants to take off running into the wheat field around this building, arms stretched wide, until I collapse. I can just imagine judgmental eyes starring on from the parking lot as they silently ponder the reason why I’m “Pulling a Sound of Music” this afternoon. “Did he get fired?” “Is someone chasing him?” “Should we run too?” When I tire, I’ll take a swan dive into the wheat and disappear below the stocks; out of sight. That’s where I’ll lie until I can come to grips with sitting at my desk for the rest of the day. I’m sure security will be called due to this strange behavior and they’ll surely investigate only to find me slowly disappearing out of sight and into the Kansas abyss. They’ll laugh and dub me the “Wheat Runner”. A slow walk back will return me to the building and my desk where I will, of course, deny ever having done such a thing despite the numerous eye witness accounts.

by Darren Besert March 29, 2017

DTC

Acronym for “Down To Churro”. Ready and willing to consume a deep-fried pastry whether it be firm, thin and short (Cinnamon Version) or soggy, long and thick (Oreo Version) from Taco Johns. A person is DTC when they succumb to the pressure of eating at Taco John’s even if it’s only for the Churro. Being DTC doesn’t necessarily dictate that one must eat any other food there. One must be careful when DTC as the act of de-gloving and consuming such a sweet, phallic-like, food will often subject the person to compromising photography. Said opportunities are often seized by colleagues, chuckle-heads, and trolls named “Darren” to create Photoshop gold and write songs titles applicable to the situation.

Shawn: “Has anyone listened to the new album by Churreo Speedwagon?”
Darren: “Nope. How is it?”
Shawn: “Full of smash hits such as:”
“Pour Some Churro’s On Me”
“Live and Let Churro”
“American Churro”
“You Churro’d Me All Night Long”
“Mo’ Churros, Mo’ Problems”
“Churro On, Churro On”

Darren: Sounds like a winner! What inspired the album?
Shawn: Someone must have been seriously DTC and got caught. Leads to all sorts of shenanigans.

Darren: No doubt. No doubt.

by Darren Besert April 12, 2017

Blue Apron

A food delivery service that deals almost exclusively in raisins, almonds, and vinegar. If it’s not sour and crunchy, it’s not Blue Apron.

Look at your hand? Nothing in it? Well, look at your other hand. You may be surprised to find $10 dollars in this hand. What to do? What to do? If you’re feeling hungry, you may be in luck because that $10 dollars can go a long way toward your next meal of choice. Heck, you can head on down to the local Qdoba and nom nom through a delicious double steak bowl with a side of chips and queso with 10 whole dollars. No one would knock you for making that choice, but you have another choice. You could choose to take that 10 dollars and have a combination of raisins, almonds, and vinegar delivered right to your door as many times a week as your little heart desires! This way you can take it upon yourself to cook up a nice, sour, grool after having spent that last 12 hours in the miserable hell hole you call a job. Blue Apron is the perfect excuse to don an apron, sharpen up those knives you got 10 years ago at your wedding, and dirty up every pot and pan in the house.

Here’s some excellent Blue Apron recipes:
1. Raisin and almond patties with a nice vinegar dipping sauce.
2. Raisin and almonds frozen in vinegar ice cubes to chill a nice glass of straight vinegar.
3. Raisin and almond kabobs(toothpicks not provided) grilled with a vinegar glaze.
4. Raisin/almond shooters with a vinegar base.

by Darren Besert October 26, 2017

Squishy Typing

When you spill your beverage into your keyboard and instead of draining it out, like a normal person, you continue typing like nothing happened much to the bemusement of those who witnessed the spill. Squishy Typing is no delicate matter and practitioners usually have an “Own It!” type mentality. Squishy Typers never tickle the keyboard like an Elmo doll on the cold Christmas morning of 1996. Rather, they opt to pound the keys with the renewed vigor of a frustrated Ludwig van Beethoven raging at the heavens during a tsunami.

Jo: Just picked up my coffee off the warmer as someone asked me a question. I swung around and bonked the edge of my monitor and dumped half the cup in my keyboard...

Levi: I'd like to be sympathetic, but I'm too busy laughing. Hopefully, it was a cheap-o, wired keyboard?

Jo: It is. It's a work keyboard so I’m just squishy typing now.

Levi: I smell a UD entry. Squishy Typing

Jo: Ew Ew!! I'll get Darren on it.

Jo: Confession: I may have baited you into the UD recommendation so I could incorporate our conversation into the example...

Levi: Haha. That makes sense.

Darren: Done.

by Darren Besert November 27, 2017